The DNC is leading a very simple initiative. It’s calling on the American people to sign a petition addressed to the House telling them that pizza is not a vegetable. Yes, they are doing it to be dicks, in the same way that Republicans passed a resolution reaffirming “In God We Trust” as out national motto after President Obama stated E Pluribus Unum was the motto — just to be dicks.

This is stems, of course, from the passage of a school lunch bill in the House that had a provision reaffirming that a slice of pizza with two tablespoons of tomato paste on it would count as a serving of a vegetable. Obama signed the bill, but Dems are not having it.

We all know that tomatoes are a fruit, and so, pizza should obviously be considered a fruit. And what about a Hawaiian pizza? Well that’s two servings of fruit. And also a serving of vegetables if we get our way and meat is considered salad.

Anyhow, the DNC’s approach is considerably more sober than ours. The petition reads:

Dear House Republicans,

Pizza is not a vegetable.

Sincerely,
America

Sign it here.

Too bad about Leib Family Cellars marketing staff burning in hell.

The Daily Show’s Samantha Bee said it best when she said, “This is real. You can drink this. If you’re a fucking asshole.”

Spread the bloody truth.

]]> http://thebutcherblog.com/this-is-real-you-can-drink-this-if-youre-a-fucking-asshole/feed/ 0 http://thebutcherblog.com/my-god-sizzler-what-have-you-done-to-our-food/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=my-god-sizzler-what-have-you-done-to-our-food http://thebutcherblog.com/my-god-sizzler-what-have-you-done-to-our-food/#comments Sat, 17 Sep 2011 03:21:01 +0000 Bill http://thebutcherblog.com/?p=1970 #leftcontainerBox { float:left; position: fixed; top: 60%; left: 70px; } #leftcontainerBox .buttons { float:left; clear:both; margin:4px 4px 4px 4px; padding-bottom:2px; } #bottomcontainerBox { height: 30px; width:50%; padding-top:1px; } #bottomcontainerBox .buttons { float:left; height: 30px; margin:4px 4px 4px 4px; }

We are not going to take the bait in the Sizzler “Steakfest” commercial. No, the fine cuts of “tri tip sirloin” look like New York strip steaks, we’ll give them that. We discovered long ago that “tri tip” was a term made up by westerners to make an inferior cut sound palatable. Fine. And fine that what the man in the commercial is cutting is no way in hell tri tip we’ve ever seen. It’s a commercial. It’s Sizzler. We’re comfortable with all that.

If you go to Sizzler “Steakfest” you know what you are getting yourself into. But holy fuck, look at the size of that acocado the guy is cutting. We were undecided about GMOs until right now, but Jesus H Fucking Christ, that avocado (at :13) is the size of a watermelon. Unless, of course, the chef cutting it has very, very small hands and is using a very tiny knife. Perhaps it’s a paring knife shaped like a chef’s knife. (But when you went to the trouble of substituting NY strip for tri tip, why would you use your midget chef/model?) Sizzler was unavailable for comment.

Check it out at :13.

Sure, Bob Parsons may be a cartoonish cowboying yahoo (okay, there are really no maybes about it, the guy’s a card-carrying asshole), but the reactions to the videos of the GoDaddy CEO hunting elephants in Zimbabwe are equally disturbing and endemic of a sort of lapel-pin liberalism all too pervasive.

You can dispute how honest Parsons is being about what he’s doing down there. Sure, it’s clear from the video that he’s getting his thrills pointing very big rifles at even bigger animals, and he’s come up with a rationalization to legitimize what he’s doing and skirt legality. He’s even pretty upfront about that fact that he wants to shoot elephants, saying, “They’ve been here three nights; we hope they com back for a fourth; and if they do, we’re gonna be here to greet ‘em.” But in the videos we watched, when an animal was killed it was swiftly butchered and the meat distributed to starving villagers. Why the video editor chooses AC/DC’s “Hell’s Bells” to play during that segment is really beyond human comprehension, but the fact remains the meat was put to good use.

And this is not some sort of waste-not-want-not argument. There is an overpopulation problem with the elephants (yes, this might be partially owing to the fact that the farmers push the crops to the edge of the elephants habitats). It’s why Kiwis eat kangaroo (an animal whose ranks was also once diminishing) and partially why Middle Easterners eat camel, and those around the Arctic Circle sup on Santa’s reindeer.

Meat comes from animals.

But once this connection is made the hate comments pour forth. At last count there were 10 pages of comments — many of them claiming that the commenter was going to stop using GoDaddy’s hosting services, posting, ironically, on a GoDaddy-run site. They are hypocrites, unless, and this could be possible, every single person unloading on Parsons is a strict vegetarian (who also happens to boycott every single company that benefits from imperialism). Furthermore, it’s also possible that this irate mob also berates every meat eater and asshole chewing on a McNugget it comes across.

But probably not.

If the villagers had killed the elephant in the video themselves, would the commenters direct the same vitriol toward them? Parsons may be parasitic, but in this case he would seem to be one of those beneficial parasites.

We have to admit, when we first saw Dunkin’ Donuts’ new menu item Sausage Pancake Bites (or, more accurately, Meat Munchkins), we thought it was a parody ad campaign along the lines of Jamba Juice’s Cheeseburger Smoothie. Sadly, it is not. It’s more along the lines of KFC’s Double Down devilry.

As Gothamist was quick to point out, each Meat Munchkin (a mini sausage link battered in some maple syrup-infused dough concoction and deep fried) has 100 calories and 7 grams of fat. That’s one “bite.” They come three to an order for $1.59. Six for $3.

Maybe they are going into business selling those stretchy waisted fat jeans?

In DD’s honor today we present rapper Slim Dunkin’s anti-Twitter anthem “Twitter That,” because as much as Slim wants gangsters to stop tweeting we just as fervently hope that Dunkin’ will go back to doing what it does best — getting accolades for ‘brilliant’ social marketing  — and stay away from poisoning America. Though you can now make a case that it’s equally good at that.

The folks at NJ.com have gathered some really valuable Halloween costume advice from their local butchers: don’t wear a meat dress like Lady Gaga. Among the concerns: sanitary issues, sewing challenges, hypothermia risks and more…

That said, please let us know if you’re planning a meat related Halloween costume. If you do go the Gaga meat dress route, we’d recommend appropriate cuts of skirt and/or flank steaks. And remember that less is more. Think Vogue cover, not VMAs. Those boots Gaga wore at the awards were the meat dress equivalent of double denim.

According to a report from American Express the wealthiest Americans are gorging on more processed meat patties than ever. What the company refers to as the “ultra-affluent” spent nearly 25 percent more on fast food than they had the year before. Am-Ex defines the “ultra-affluent” as those who charge more than $7,000 a month on their credit cards. What? Did you expect the credit card company to call its best customers “bourgeois climbers”?

A new YouTube video introduces Jamba Juice’s newest product: the Cheeseburger Chill. The spot introducing the drink made from hamburgers is part Mad magazine parody, part lame attempt at hoax, as if the maker couldn’t decide which to go for.

One thing is certain though: Jamba Juice would like you to believe that drinking a smoothie made of a hamburger is the equivalent of ordering a smoothie from McDonald’s. Both are gross, but then so is Jamba Juice. So rather than point out the differences between its sugary fruit drinks and McDonald’s equally-sugary-but-cheaper fruit drinks, Jamba Juice takes a cheap shot. Now we’d never advocate anyone purchase anything from McDonald’s, not even a smoothie, but still, this desperate cloying attempt to be viral is avoiding the fact that Jamba Juice makes some unhealthy products itself (and swaddles them in the all-natural cloak). Take for example the “smoothie” with more sugar than two pints of Ben and Jerry’s Butter Pecan ice cream.

The best part of the video, beside watching a burger blended into smoothie turn into something that resembles Jamba Juice’s Moo-Powered Chocolate Smoothie, is how well the spot lampoons the absurdly smug suburbanite vibe of the smoothie shops themselves. That and the hip-hop break at the end of the video.

Do you live near Mooresville, N.C.? Have you seen (or more precisely smelled) the billboard that emits the smell of “cooking steak?” If so you need to let us know right now what this monstrosity smells like.

It can’t be good, can it?

We are all well aware of the role that the senses play in advertising, with shopping environments beginning to resemble nothing so much as they do a casino. But this roadside billboard on River Highway created by Charlotte-based ScentAir for Bloom grocery stores  takes the cake … er, rancid filet. Fragrance oil is blown by high-powered fans during prime commute times of 7 – 10 a.m. and 4 – 7 p.m.

We’ve a few problems with this. OK, more than a few. But for starters, do people really want to smell cooking steak making their hungover ways to work at 7 a.m.? Second, can drivers and passengers in the cars screaming by on the highway really get the full effect (the answer, we suppose, is hopefully not — though it seems likely that those stopping for gas will smell it and probably pick up a Slim Jim meat stylus in the convenience store).

Which brings us to another problem: Does artificial meat smell make anyone want to do anything besides throw up? Let us know.