OD’ing on Perky Jerky, the breakfast of champions

Remember those old Folgers commercials where they secretly replaced the real coffee at some swanky restaurant with decaf crystals and you are then amazed by the fact that the diner doesn’t slap the waiter, but instead marvels at how great tasting the shitty instant decaf is? (This perhaps had something to do with Folgers comping the meal.)

Well we are attempting something similar here at Chez Butcher this morning, except instead of replacing the fine French press coffee that usually gets our days started with some crappy instant crystal, we’ve substituted caffeinated beef jerky.

We feel the need to preface this by saying we are not making this product up. It’s called Perky Jerky and comes in a foil pouch that seems like it’s begging for you to mix its “invigorating” contents with vodka at some cheesy club. (We will save that experiment for another day, but man it’ll be great, and we will certainly have video: “This glitzy stretch outside the Gansevoort Hotel is home to the Meatpacking District’s swanky Provocateur, host to NYC’s finest Eurotrash and B&T visitors. We’ve secretly replaced the Red Bull in the Vodka Red Bulls with super-charged dried beef strips. Will it be rich enough for our special guests?”)

But, next time. Right now we are just testing the product, billed as the “world’s first all-natural performance enhancing meat snack” as a coffee replacement. (Did they have to qualify it as the “first all-natural performance enhancing meat snack” because one loaded with chemicals preceded it?) As far as jerky goes, it’s not at all bad. It’s soft and chewy but not at all tough. There is a nice peppery spice to it, but much too soy saucy for our taste. The guarana might add some zip to the heat on our tongue, or maybe we just got a clump of chili pepper extract.

But then, perhaps we ate it a bit too quickly, though.

There is a certain hotness swelling up in our face and eyes and we feel jittery a few minutes after polishing off the 2 oz. bag. Maybe some instructions on the proper dosage are in order? Or at least a paranoid housewife musing to herself: “That’s funny, Jim never has a second strip of jerky at home.”

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