As we head into mid-June there is a bloody burger battle to end all ground meat wars brewing in Sag Harbor.

Bay Burger must be marshaling its strength to take on the invaders from the west.

First, opening as soon as this weekend is La Maison, a new French bistro resurrecting the former JLX space, which lay criminally fallow all season last summer. It’s in a great location at the end of Main St. right on the bay, and the interior, which the team from Trata who have taken over the place barely touched, is one of the few things that Ed “Jean Luc” Kleefield ever got right. Currently planned for lunch only is their American Imperial Kobe Burger, which may seem like a battleship facing a dingy when it faces off with Bay Burger, but we’ve yet to see this monster.

And coming in from further west is chef Laurent Touroundel who has been doing the chef’s equivalent of house hunting in the Hamptons. His LT Burger in the Harbor is slated to open in late June or early July. It’s a big month for former Jean Luc places, as LT takes over the space formerly housing JL’s Mumbo Gumbo monstrosity and more recently, his Grappa. It’ll be nice to have a genuine Frenchman in the space. Touroundel has split from his BLT Restaurant Group to work on side projects, so this will not be a BLT Burger, but a separate and independent burger boite from LT.

Attention supermarket shoppers: Please do not eat the raw ground chuck.

Now, you’d not think a message like this would be necessary, but apparently in Florida it is. One of the owners of the Deep Hollow Ranch in Montauk (founded in 1658 and the nation’s oldest cattle farm, if you go in for trivia) was actually arrested Monday for devouring a packet of ground beef while strolling the Rines’ IGA in Indiantown, Florida. Maybe she was just craving iron?

Montauk’s Diane Leaver grazed away on the open pack, carrying the styrofoam tray with $1.98 worth of raw ground beef around the store, then dropped the package and proceeded to the checkout, like she had done nothing more than eaten some purloined M&Ms. Both impressive and completely disgusting. Horrified clerks called the police, though it’s not clear if they were upset about the misbegotten meat, or worried Leaver might be some sort of zombie.

That’s what living in Montauk year-round can do to you, kids. All we can say is, those horses better watch out when she gets back.

If you missed Tom Mylan’s pig roast at 3rd Ward in Bushwick luckily there is a condensed video version. A crew from WNYC were apparently among the countless throngs recording the event. You don’t get to taste any pork tacos this way, but you do get hear Tom say that, “If you’re the kind of person who can’t afford to go to the Hamptons for weekend, this is the Hamptons in the city.”

A fried egg. Pickled beets. Pineapple rings. Chile mayo. Farm-fresh tomatoes. Guest of a Guest’s Rachelle Hruska. What do these things have in common? They all enjoy topping Australian beef. Let’s start with the fried egg (because that is the one that likely had you scratching your head). July’s Gourmet magazine has a recipe for a little-known delicacy called the Aussie Burger. This is not for the faint of heart. It comes topped with all of the above (sans Hruska, of course). Sort of makes a Chicago dog look like sorbet. The Aussies also outdo the Texans who grill up a hangover cure dubbed the Texas burger (though they give New Yorkers the credit-slash-blame for this one), which is basically a bacon egg and cheese sandwich in a hamburger. So now on to Hruska, who when asked by Black Book mag where the good Hamptons parties were, answered: wherever the Australians are. At least she managed to not say Surf Lodge for one answer. Kudos.

Update: Stay tuned for news of this historic summit.

This is how the butcher does up some dogs for the fourth. Of course, this is just the tip of the Titanic iceberg, the way to wash down a few starter dogs and the preamble to some late-night dogs. Pictured: Boar’s Head all beef dogs with the nice snap, some fresh black and tans (pork and beef blend) carrying a decent char, turkey dogs and ball park franks as well as the Bubba Burger chaser. The gourmet German black and tans from the butcher’s counter at Schiavoni’e in Sag Harbor, as usual, represent a highlight of this Dogaganza. An all-beef hot dog is one thing, but the blend of beef of pork really takes the dog somewhere special — a harmonious convergence of flavor, texture and color achieved in no other frankfurter combination. This mighty culinary creation very nearly excuses the abomination that occurred later that night. After winding down the evening Wolfie’s style, something massive was called for. Something understated. Something tasteful. Something that showcased a bit of creativity and lent some variety to the 4 a.m. all-beef reinforcements: Turkey dogs wrapped in turkey bacon and slow grilled, of course. So it was awful, but ladies and gentlemen, we nonetheless present you with the Turdogen.

Summer weekends for New York scenesters means ditching the pasty pallor and nut-hugging jeans for sun burns and flip-flops, and heading to the beach, right? Also it means eating burgers until you can amply fill out your muu-muu like you were Brando tromping around Tahiti. If this is your intention when you head to the Hamptons, you might want to adhere to Black Book’s method to determine the best ones: follow the local firemen. Ed “Jean Luc” Kleefeld is engaged in an unwinnable war on Main Street in Sag Harbor. The battle of the Burger—pitting his JLX against local fireman haunt the Corner Bar just across the street. JL’s $12 meat patty (the quality of which seems to depend on what supplier he’s stiffed that week) comes served on an English muffin by waiters who speak in “movie French” (as Tom Wolfe so evocatively describes the accent of false Francophones). The Corner’s juicy burger comes with a sautéed onion-mushroom mix and a Bud.