Angry Orthodox Jews in Brooklyn were demanded an eye for a non-kosher frank this weekend. The New York Post has some truly amazing video footage of the enraged patrons hurling vulgarities and fists at the counterman, who then retaliates with an electric knife. He didn’t get very far, because it was plugged into the wall, but he does fend off the irate skull-capped attackers with a few game swipes. Next time he’ll get a cordless. The mob got ugly when they discovered that the hot dogs they were scarfing down on challah at Cheskel’s Shawarma King in Borough Park were not kosher, like the shop ordinarily serves. An employee had run across the street to pick up packs of the non-kosher chicken dogs earlier, and didn’t go to the further store with kosher franks. According to the Post report: “They were yelling at the guy behind the counter,” one witness told The Post. “They started spitting and throwing things at him. They were shaking the counter and trying to jump over to search the fridge.” Answering to a higher power apparently only applies to tube steaks.

What’s 15-feet tall, made out of meat, and a tribute to god? If you guessed a giant menorah constructed of kosher salami, then mazel tov. The crazy-ass rabbi in West Palm Beach Gardens (aka, not the rich waspy part, if you were unable to figure that out from the gigantic menorah made of salami) actually considered letting folks a nibble on his ingenious meat staff before it was taken down at the end of Chanukah, but given the 79-degree temps in Florida that the kosher kielbasa had been stewing in, he thought better of it. Nothing says la’chiam like a bout of bochelism.

“New York” magazine recounts the strange tale of a city-wide Kosher meat shortage in this week’s issue. Its got everything: horny Hasids, overzealous Feds, shiftless homeless Mexicans and a city torn asunder by lack of ritually slain beef. It seems Brooklyn-based Agiprocessor, the Kosher crew in question, have run afoul of more than a dozen state and federal agencies who don’t seem to buy that, “Hey, we answer to a higher power” bit. In May, its plant in Iowa was raided by immigration and 389 employees were rounded up and deported. After this raid a temp agency smelled something gefilte-fishy and recalled its 150 temp employees. Plant management purportedly thought the way to squelch these labor problems was to start trucking in homeless workers from Texas and offer female employees the opportunity to sleep their way to the middle.

The ever-dwindling options for hot dogs at Shea Stadium shouldn’t be much cause for concern. Once that purple eye sore is relegated to the trash heap it so deserves one can only imagine that fans in the primo seats will be treated to Kobe beef dogs served on silver platters by butlers in blue and orange. However, in the meantime we’re left with Nathan’s (which bumped Kahn’s when the Cyclones came to Coney Island) or Glatt Kosher (only available at the far right-field food court, which spruced up the house that Kranepool built after the ’86 championship). We had the misfortune to sample a Glatt Kosher dog recently, and if the crazed Hasids who make these tube steaks answer to a higher power it’s one who’s never eaten a decent dog. This thing was soggy and overly thick, like a roll of SPAM wrapped in baloney. This is what the food court, once the crown jewel of Shea’s culinary offerings, has been reduced to: Bad Kosher and a Dunkin’ Donuts. Bring on the wrecking ball; if only to end this wiener abomination.